I presented on the Waiora Weaving Wananga (Wai - water / Ora - Healing or Health or Well being / wananga - meeting / gathering, learning), with Joanne Rama, a stunning Maori Midwife that I have had the pleasure of knowing and working alongside from time to time over the many years.

Part of the presentation today was;- first time pregnancy- first time mothers wanting to know what to expect- repeat pregnancy's- student midwives in training- fathers who wanted to connect more with their pepi (baby)- and to support the mother during her pregnancywhich was great and offered to Joanne and I a mixed bag of many possibilities.

During our zoom meet, I shared stories from my elders, like working with Papa Joe (Delamere) who had a passion for haputanga - pregnancy including fertility, birthing in a good way, and empowerment for the whanau (family) during this time and after the birth.

Aunty Heni Phillips, had the ability to connect with the pepi in the womb and was able to relate to the parents what this child would be like, temperament, challenging, a questioner or quiet child, nature or home life, sea or land baby and more.

I remember sitting with Aunty Heni and a baby was fussing when her mother brought her into the clinic. She touched a particular spot at the back of the head where the motoi (types of pressure points are) and gently stimulated them with a gentle rub. The child settled almost immediately and the mum was able to get some down time to herself as her baby slept for 3 hours.

There are no great keys to life or to child raising in this case. Being the best you can be in each moment is really what it is about.

Know and learn when your child's cry is one of hunger, pain, annoyance, lonely, afraid, wants a nappy (diaper/kopi) change, feels an energy (they are absolutely sensitive to any and all energy) they don't like, feels an energy they do like and more.

I get asked all the time about a pacifier / binky (comforter blanket, toy, shirt etc). My preference is to not use a dummy (otherwise known as a pacifier) or get them used to a binky. These are signalling that the child wants connection, soothing, or one on one time with you (the parent).

I have listed some scenarios:

- you start to teach them early to keep their mouth closed

- to swallow words or be quiet

- they get used to stuffing their mouth with something

- can affect the roof of the mouth

- can change the way the new teeth will sit in the gum

- is known to keep airways open for babies (re early infant death SIDS)

- is often sort when a is afraid / tired / anxious

Ways to help? While these are not hard and fast in terms of coping and rules to follow, they do offer a little help:

- allow your baby to cry to the end (they will stop when they are ready)

- we often stop them early because we're in a public situation

- or have had enough

- we need a break

- noisy or loud crying

- baby is seeking attention

- signalling fear

Above can be handled by first making sure your energy is calm and loving then;

- cuddling your baby

- soothing them with a gentle hug

- a loving smile on your face

- humming while holding them to your chest

- looking at them in the eyes

- reassuring them through a soft tone that they are fine

- changing their state (pick them up and move outside / or inside / or point at a plane in the sky / the cat / the dog / the cow etc

As new parents, maintenance and resilience is much needed during this time. If you are close to your family, both physically and emotionally, ask them for help.

I adored the time with my grandsons, when I could and took real liberties (in terms of time and bonding) with both of them. I was lucky with my daughter and daughter in law that they allowed this to happen.

If you are physically distanced from your family (different town, city, island, country) then start creating friendships with other women who are pregnant.

Kohanga reo centres, playgroups, ECE centres, plunket, marae, will have access to these resources.

Allow the father the time to bond and connect with the child during pregnancy and after. Be confident in all you do.

Know that you have brought into this world someone totally unique that has never been before and will never be again.

Many, many years ago, our first times in LA and I was stymied by the questions people were asking about their babies. They would show me the Babies for Dummies, or How to Birth and Look Good, Baby Blues before they come and a plethora of other books that addressed the milestones of each situation and what to expect.

For a long time this stumped me, I couldn't figure out why it made me uncomfortable until one day sitting with Melissa and her baby and watching her with Aunty Heni and how Aunty Heni just picked up Taataa like it was her own.

That was when I realised, people were learning how to parent from books and not real situations. Not saying the books weren't necessary or needed, but they weren't flesh and warmth, comfort and hugs.

Aunty Heni would pick Taataa up and gently cuddle her, sway with her in her arms and link in with her via the eyes and acknowledging that things were right in the world.

And that was when I also realised that the book was rigid and solid and not moving along with the child's growth, whatever phase that would be.

Some babies were fast, others slow. Some crawl at 8 months, others womble along at 18 months. Teeth showed at 6, 7 or 8 months, while others had no teeth or 1 tooth for months before something else happened.

What I'm getting at here is there are no hard and fast rules for when a baby gets it. When to wean. When to stand. When to talk and in fact babies are talking pre birth, all the time.

If baby is not settling, don't fuss, it is usually the energy you are emitting. In all cases offered below, please make sure baby is safe or with someone if you have to go away from them to change YOUR state of being.

Frustration can be turned into a 2 minute walk around the house by yourself. Make sure you look at the trees, the birds, the land, the colour of your neighbours house, the stars, use this time to become present and in the moment.

Anger can be transmuted by getting several pillows and stacking them up, then hitting them with as much of the feeling you are holding on to as you can.

If you have the luxury of going outdoors and letting an almighty scream go, then do it. In fact do it anyway, in another room.

Tiredness, go out in the garden, in the backyard, on the balcony and stamp your feet. Jump up and down, rid the body of that tiredness, make it 2 minutes full on.

Stretch or meditate.

Go within, go quiet.

When done, go to the bathroom, wash your face and hands, comb your hair, look yourself in the eyes and KNOW you are ok.

Go back to your baby with all upset evacuated from the body and the energy field.

By the way, well done. This is what being a parent is.

Find you some tools. Learn them. Use them. Be easy on yourself. Ask for help.

So mums and dads relax. Breathe easy knowing that doing your best is all that is needed in that moment.